"what's wrong because you shouldn't be doing that shit that much unless you want to literally lose yourself and end up feral."

"i can't let shit go, just need it out of my system."

"so i'm supposed to lose you because you can't get out of your head?"

"i'm losing it either way."

her growing obsession had been one he should have better recognized it, especially in his own fears of it. his worries had left him standing back and watching only ever wishing to aid her forward instead of backwards. he knew better than to take anyone at their word, he knew, he had taught her as much. he had taught them all as much. the truth of it was even of him.

there she was suffering the effects of what happened, for all that happened in her illusion to turn around. the hunger, the depression, she had an itch that could not be scratched. eventually succumbing to the illusion and the cruelty of knowing she would never have such a life. not knowing how to act or be as her mind brought her back to it.

saving her life two centuries ago left him knowing the risks and the possible consequences. the unabashed loneliness that ate one from the inside out, the inability to have that proper family she was stolen from with the accident. consequences that showed themself as she needed to leave in a futile attempt to clear herself of it all. to live a life without the reminders.

"is this going to be an issue in the future?"

"depends on if they find someone else."

"hm. what is it that they presumed you'd do for them?"

"do what my sire used to do for them. sway power."

"so they will eventually be a problem."

"dear old dad's bloodline isn't a rare one but it was one that another tried to wipe out because of what they could do with enough time and training. they tended to be alone in remote areas and had a tendency to go mad. doesn't help that he was part of some type of religious cult. after all these years they were still looking for him, and when he died, some tied to him did too. so they know he's gone."

all the trouble that stemmed because his sire reached out during the possession of etera's body. for every secret he held, too much was unraveled and left open to suspicion even after all this time. another charge to be placed on the table. another reason to take him away in the worst possible ways. if he was going to die, it wouldn't be from this.

twice, etera had killed his own. twice, and no one would have cared if it weren't for the politics of it. except for him, having to live with the consequences of it. first his favorite child, then the careless bastard that made him what he was.

"okay."

"i hate that i made you feel like that."

"feel what way?"

irritated for one, but also that i had you thinking you had to feel or think a certain way because you’ve known me for awhile. i shouldn’t assume that because it’s been years that you’re expected to catch on to my quirks or oddness at times."

"this is treading on open water. you're running on assumptions of what you believe i think and feel in some attempt to be empathic and you're so off the beaten path you could get attacked by wolves. nor do i need the added residual bullshit there at the end. you don't even want to fucking know what those words strung together come off like. because i could further claim if you respected me, none of this would've happened."

an apology would have been enough if it hadn't been repeated on more than two other occassions in the same conversation while trying to force him to admit what she was apologizing for didn't happen. irritation wasn't the issue, it was the hurt, the pain of feeling like collateral damage yet again. someone else from the past caring only for their own agenda. after attempting to foce their own narrative through the night. words and actions did not line up, as time showed one thing. the care about their own believed happiness, leaving etera to feel pushed further away from other people he cared about. she never rose to being who he believed her to be for all these years. family wasn't family. a friend wasn't a friend. only someone to breathe news to. his grievances were piling as she left him beyond the wall. an outsider looking in still.

"you should stop being so interested in my nights, or you're going to like me."

a joke given the last time they spoke. how she had thrown around her need for conversation and how she might like him, as though he cared or were concerned for it. a place he didn't wish to be, especially for the way the conversations turned and escalated to what he viewed as tantrums. right down to the way his door was forced off it's hinges and his own body thrown into a wall. "i do like you."

the words didn't sit right with him still. as though this would soften anything or make it better. if anything, he was sure it would be made worse as he pushed someone else away. he didn't need people to like him, he didn't even need people to care about him. what he needed was to be left alone, away from this particular drama. but she kept dropping all of this inforatmion on him, about things she had gone through, things that were troubling her, and he worried that she may do something worse than what she did to him. he worried about his family, his brother.

and so he held on, barely, until he could not any longer.

"if you try to hug me, i swear." there was a time etera truly believed this. the ease and understanding that was held betweeen them. opposite sides of the same coin, tossed into the world with etera having lived a longer life doing his best to direct a brother out and away from trouble. a trouble that was his own mind, even if they were simply standing there sharing a moment in silence. which all fell apart as a woman caused etera to step back and away, unwilling to cause the damage she attempted to bring to etera. he wished them the best, risking the loss of a someone he respected and cared for like family. he risked being left to the shadows as collateral damage and lost. never once accepting a room given to him, even when homeless. all for the sake of not worrying about being attacked yet again. that defending himself too harshly may hurt his brother. everyday, the sting hurt, until it was only the days he stood outside of everything and see what remained after standing on the outside for so long.

"you're my friend, etera."

friend, it stung again. just like certain aspects of the voyage. it was a strange feeling given just how much things always seemed to happen to the both of them at similar times. the way he watched them coddle him. the way one would lose something and the other would as well, they were on opposite sides handling everything very differently. there was nothing to come back to. there was no want, no drive, no press for this person who had become this stranger with a familiar face. etera only found when there was a need. there was a need no more.

"i was only happy once, and nobody could have stopped me. you and i are stubborn creatures. i love who i love; that does not change our friendship, and it never has; you are my friend today, and you will be my friend tomorrow."

he would not understand it, nor would he expect him to. he should never have come and yet he found the truth of the matter. etera needed to finally let go. family takes care of family. friends stand together. he's felt none of that for the better part of a year.

"bug sized. what's getting stabbed to test it out?"

"you!"

"this is how you drown."

"oh c’mon you can’t die."

"don't mean i enjoy the pain."

"fine. i’m sure there’s dart board i can use."

"if we need a person, i can find a person."

"am i gonna be an accomplice to murder?"

"do they need to die?"

"you’re terrible. go for it."

even though she was his apprentice, he felt as though they learned a lot from one another. at least until she found there was no more to learn and needed to move on with her life and her story. the admission to needing to move from the place he gave her, he understood it. it wasn't about him. but the ease at which he could feel in having someone around that allowed him to be himself without care or judgement and retribution. a reason to smile. especially when teaching her how to swim by thrwoing her into the water. his own small contribution to the darkness as the lightening bug herself heated metal by touch. like met light and filled a hole before it created another.

hollow in the ways he knew people came and went, lived and died. the focus could only be the ringing in his ears with each slam of hammer against hot metal. time meant nothing unless you dwelled on it. lately, it felt more and more like he had lost so much of it. no matter the sheer number of years he held onto this life.

"focus on the sound of my voice." he told her quietly as he pulled the images from her mind, turning the room around them into an illusion. the reel of images behind him, that she might open her eyes as he called to her from inside. situating himself between her and the memory reel of mental photographs, he pushed it back. "focus on my voice in something you remember. ignore everything else. find something you want to remember. like...a tissue box." he tried, while eyeing the reel that kept spinning. "just you and me, nothing else matters right now."

she continued to struggle, whimpering in her attempts before she finally found something. laughing, an image forced forward, "...canopy bed... i want... a princess bed..." it was a conversation they had before. one he promised to make her.

smiling at the words, he shook his head. seeing it for himself, he went on. "focus on it, how much you wanted it then, how much you want it now. focus on that memory, the image, the dream, and step into it. its yours."

wrought iron bed she wanted, black, with cream drapes over it, she saw herself laying on the bed, reading, in a home that wanted her. "you loved your children." the entire room around them because what she envisioned as he willed it, helping her attempt to maintain her hold on her own mind.

"i love all of my children." he admitted without skipping a beat. "no matter what they have done or do, no matter if they need me or don't." it wasn't so much a correction, as much as an explanation for anything she may see. "and i've outlived one too many." he knew she wasn't as ignorant as she sometimes seemed. the sting that would come when she deemed him a monster in comparison to her, it was a scar that would sometimes bleed. your worth was only as much as someone decided they needed of you. how he missed island life in times like this. how he missed that first daughter and her unwillingness to give up on him. the only one to believe he had not left her. and yet, he always felt as though he had let her down.

instead, now, he would not be found. no longer a place of refuge as he had to prepare himself for the worst. they would use anyone and anything they could on him, against him. with little there to hold, they would have a difficult time finding something or someone useful.

they could cast the first stone, but somehow he would find a way to throw the final one. they would have to do their worst to drag him out of redania. with his final useless breath, he would not be something or someone he didn't wish to be. his magic was his own and he would die with his own secrets.

"from loved, to ignored, to hated, to maddness, and failure. wanted only for the sake of doing someone else's bidding, to fulfill their needs as they overlook your own. faulting words with actions,tossing the useless for the useful. only wishing to hear about the best in themselves and disdain for anyone who says otherwise. perception over that of reality when reality is the core of what is truly magical."

he had been gained enjoyment out of pretending to be a man. how many times he sat and drank or ate with people around him, hating the ash taste of it all. ignoring his senses, the buzzing in the back of his mind that grew louder in public spaces. for two hundred years, held back from his natural state.

they would no longer meet the man but the monster. and he is worse than the one his own once knew centuries ago.